Thursday, October 15, 2015

I really suck at regular updates, but this one is substantive.

First off, I'm aware it's been nearly a bloody year since my last post.  I'm sorry. I went through a bout of writer's block where I'd sit and stare at this window and nothing would come. When that happens, I just don't write, I can't force it. I also went through a period of depression, where writing probably would have been an excellent outlet, but oh well.

First order of business, recapping.

The biggest bit of life changing stuff is my move to the Bay Area. In August I moved here to attend San Jose State University. The weather has been awful, this is not what I signed up for. People do keep telling me that it's going to start cooling down soon, so I'm hopeful about that. I guess I can at least take comfort knowing that it is hot back home too. All I know is I'm way over summer. Bring on Autumn. 
(It took me far too long to edit that)

I recently (as in this week) started a job on campus, I like it so far, plus it will give some great experience when I go applying in the real world until I can begin teaching. I have a reading heavy course load, as you would expect for an English major. I'm taking Grammar, American Lit, Young Adult Lit, and Spanish. El Español is kicking my ass though; to be honest I thought I'd have an easier time with it as it was a recap from when I took it at Hancock, unfortunately that is not the case. 

This is the first real time I've  moved away from home, sure I had my stint in Vegas back in 2006 but the circumstances were completely different. I was homesick before I had left Santa Maria. This time I miss my family and friends, but I'm not homesick. The difference is amazing.

And now the whole point of this page, weight loss stuff.

I had something of an epiphany this week.

While I was at work one of my coworkers went to walk behind me. Completely out of habit, I go to scoot in as much as I can, and I say, "Oh, sorry."

Basically the same thing happened in Spanish, only the person I moved for asked, "For what?" Apparently there was sufficient room to move behind me without me scooting closer to the table. 

I've realized that I've spent the majority of my adult life apologizing for existing. Which is freaking bizarre when you think about it. Not to mention that it just perpetuates self-esteem issues. 

Now I am probably not the only one that has been doing this, but I don't know how many people have been doing it without realizing it like I had been doing. Am I wrong? Should I have been apologizing all these years for taking up more space than a "normal" person? Some people will say yes, but I think many will see it from my perspective. 

In my head, I still see the 460lbs guy. I've lost about half what I want to, and the second half will be even slower than the first. But when I look in the mirror, I feel like there is still 140lbs of phantom flesh. If I want to see the difference I have to go back and look at pictures, which is kinda hard considering the Herculean effort I would put into not being in front of a camera. For every picture there is of me, there are at least 40 that I got out of. 

Here is a bit of a time line.

Feb 2011 - 410lbs

Sept 2011 - 410lbs+

Aug 2012 - 420lbs (?)

Oct 2012 - 420lbs (?)

April 2013 - 440lbs (?)
Jan 2014 - 460lbs

In most of those pics I don't even know how much I weighed. I'm just approximating knowing that when I started my journey in Jan of 2014, I was just about 460. About 100lbs more than a baby killer whale. 

That, is what I see when I look in the mirror still. Until I see those pictures, then I see current me a bit more.

The first two were yesterday, and I just took the one in the green shirt a bit ago. Looking at that, there is a massive difference.  That is about a 140lbs difference. 

One-hundred and forty pounds.

I basically got a divorce.

Anyway, that's about it for me for tonight. I'd say I'll try to update more often, but with school keeping me as busy as it is and work taking up what I previously was using as study time that probably won't happen.

So until later.


1 comment:

  1. You look great Donnie and thanks for the update. I check always. Shit even if you dont feel the need please at least text or email me.

    FYI...... Sad news. Tia passed. Cancer took her Oct 16. I am just now getting around to sharing because you know.... death sucks!