I really suck at regular updates, but this one is substantive.

First off, I'm aware it's been nearly a bloody year since my last post.  I'm sorry. I went through a bout of writer's block where I'd sit and stare at this window and nothing would come. When that happens, I just don't write, I can't force it. I also went through a period of depression, where writing probably would have been an excellent outlet, but oh well.

First order of business, recapping.

The biggest bit of life changing stuff is my move to the Bay Area. In August I moved here to attend San Jose State University. The weather has been awful, this is not what I signed up for. People do keep telling me that it's going to start cooling down soon, so I'm hopeful about that. I guess I can at least take comfort knowing that it is hot back home too. All I know is I'm way over summer. Bring on Autumn. 

(It took me far too long to edit that)

I recently (as in this week) started a job on campus, I like it so far, plus it will give some great experience when I go applying in the real world until I can begin teaching. I have a reading heavy course load, as you would expect for an English major. I'm taking Grammar, American Lit, Young Adult Lit, and Spanish. El Español is kicking my ass though; to be honest I thought I'd have an easier time with it as it was a recap from when I took it at Hancock, unfortunately that is not the case. 

This is the first real time I've  moved away from home, sure I had my stint in Vegas back in 2006 but the circumstances were completely different. I was homesick before I had left Santa Maria. This time I miss my family and friends, but I'm not homesick. The difference is amazing.

And now the whole point of this page, weight loss stuff.

I had something of an epiphany this week.

While I was at work one of my coworkers went to walk behind me. Completely out of habit, I go to scoot in as much as I can, and I say, "Oh, sorry."

Basically the same thing happened in Spanish, only the person I moved for asked, "For what?" Apparently there was sufficient room to move behind me without me scooting closer to the table. 

I've realized that I've spent the majority of my adult life apologizing for existing. Which is freaking bizarre when you think about it. Not to mention that it just perpetuates self-esteem issues. 

Now I am probably not the only one that has been doing this, but I don't know how many people have been doing it without realizing it like I had been doing. Am I wrong? Should I have been apologizing all these years for taking up more space than a "normal" person? Some people will say yes, but I think many will see it from my perspective. 

In my head, I still see the 460lbs guy. I've lost about half what I want to, and the second half will be even slower than the first. But when I look in the mirror, I feel like there is still 140lbs of phantom flesh. If I want to see the difference I have to go back and look at pictures, which is kinda hard considering the Herculean effort I would put into not being in front of a camera. For every picture there is of me, there are at least 40 that I got out of. 

Here is a bit of a time line.

Feb 2011 - 410lbs

Sept 2011 - 410lbs+

Aug 2012 - 420lbs (?)

Oct 2012 - 420lbs (?)

April 2013 - 440lbs (?)

Jan 2014 - 460lbs

In most of those pics I don't even know how much I weighed. I'm just approximating knowing that when I started my journey in Jan of 2014, I was just about 460. About 100lbs more than a baby killer whale. 

That, is what I see when I look in the mirror still. Until I see those pictures, then I see current me a bit more.

The first two were yesterday, and I just took the one in the green shirt a bit ago. Looking at that, there is a massive difference.  That is about a 140lbs difference. 

One-hundred and forty pounds.

I basically got a divorce.

Anyway, that's about it for me for tonight. I'd say I'll try to update more often, but with school keeping me as busy as it is and work taking up what I previously was using as study time that probably won't happen.

So until later.

D

Three months out

One thing I forgot to  mention in the last post was it's been three months since surgery. Doesn't really feel like it!

Here are a couple comparison pics, day of surgery and then from last week's pictures.

I can definitely see a difference there. Mostly in my face, but also in how the clothes fit.

Week 13

So much for weekly postings right? I'm sorry, it's been nearly a month since my last post, but here we go with a new one and some pretty cool news.

First off it's been a rather frustrating month for weight loss, which consequently is why I hadn't posted. I felt frustrated about the small losses, and one week the small gain.

For about the last month, I've been on prednisone, trying to maintain my gout so that I would be able to go back onto the Allopurinol, which I can't take during a gout attack. I'm finally back on that and going off of the prednisone.

If you've never been on prednisone you're very lucky. It makes you ravenous. Seriously ravenous. I would eat, and still be hungry, which considering the surgery I had, is ridiculous. I pretty much felt like this:

We didn't' have any watermelon or cake, but if we did it wouldn't have stood a chance. Now despite being hungry all the time, I wasn't actually eating that much, simply because I can't. I don't have the room for it. Yes I was eating more, but not enough to negate the calorie deficit that I had. I would have to consume over 2500 calories a day just to maintain my weight. If I was consuming 1500 I'd have been surprised.Even  still that gives me a 7000 a week deficit, which basically equals a 2 pound loss (3500 calories burnt equal one pound). Talked to my doctor this week and yes, Prednisone not only makes you hungry, but it also makes losing weight harder, even if you control the hunger.

Despite all that, I can't be too mad at Prednisone, it made that evil bitch  Gout leave. So I'm ok if Prednisone stayed around a bit longer than I'd have liked as it keeps her away.

My weight loss over the last month has looked like this:

Gained a pound, lost two, and then finally lost ten. The week prior to the gain was only a two pound loss also. Quite a drop from the numbers I had been seeing. I know I was due for a plateau, and as long as I'm losing I should be happy. 

Last week I did have a ten pound loss, which is super exciting. One it's a nice loss after the weeks of crap, two it put  me under 357. When I had my first appointment with my surgeon back in January I weighed 457. This means I've officially lost 100 lbs. 

Pretty crazy right?! That's HUGE. I should be ecstatic. I'm not. When  I look in a mirror, I still don't see the loss. I can feel it, but I have to be looking at side by side pictures to really see it. I ended up doing a Google search, to see what 100 lbs really looks like.

It looks like that. That is 100 lbs of butter. A bit more impressive that way no?

Anyway, I'm going to try to be a bit more contentious about updating. Even when it's a bad week. Only posting on the good weeks does me a disservice and is completely counter productive to why I made this blog in the first place. The bad is just as much a part of the journey as the good is.

On  that note, here are this week's pics and stats.

Current Microgoal: 325

Week 09

Nothing out of the ordinary this week, so I'm gonna jump right into the weekly update.

Also this week, I found an older pic of me (like a year old or so) this would have been me at about my  heaviest.

That's Lady, btw. She's our 100lbs German Shepherd.Just for reference on how big we both are. 

I almost forgot! I did have one small Non-scale victory this week. I had to go get an x-ray because I'm still having some gout issues and in the waiting area they had these:

Just a chair right? Nope. A chair with arms. Before my surgery I wouldn't have been able to sit in that chair without doing the fat dance. The fat dance is where you drop one of your hips down first, then as you let gravity do its thing your other hip falls into place and kind of wedges you in the chair. This is even more uncomfortable than it sounds. Further you run the risk of the chair refusing to let go of your body when you get up in a very cartoon-like fashion. Not this time! That chair is my bitch.

Current Micro-goal: 325

Three things

There are a few things I want to talk about today.

First, food.

Being as protein is so important now, I'm always looking for things with some extra protein in it. This lead me to discover Cheerios Protein.

Cheerios Protein. As in with protein?

However it is deceiving. Sneaky Cheerios. Turns out it actually has more fat and sugar than Apple Jacks. Wtf right?

I suppose the saving grace is that the Cheerios have more protein. I shall continue to my search for protein rich foods.

Secondly, more college stuff.

My ultimate educational goal is to get my MA in English so I can teach at a community college. The colleges I applied to don't require a foreign language for a BA, which is friggin awesome. However, after researching the MA programs at my universities I'll need to take a foreign language.

Fuckery indeed. Turns out, that the English graduate student must demonstrate the ability to read a text in a foreign language and then translate it into English.

This does not please me. I've taken Italian and Spanish and I just don't do well with foreign languages. However, if I want my MA, at least one in English, I'm going to have to figure out how to remedy that.

Now I'm considering a minor in a foreign language, most likely Spanish as it will be much easier to find people to speak Spanish with to keep it fresh. Whereas Italian, which is what I'd prefer to learn, I'd have to go out of my way to find people to speak it with.

Third, weekly update.

The pounds keep on coming off, which is the whole point. I'm starting to look into ways to be more active, I'd love to get a membership at the YMCA so I can swim. If by chance you wanna sponsor that let me know.

Also, I'm trying a new look for the weekly stats.

The screenshot is from an ap called, Monitor Your Weight.

College Applications

Last week I applied to transfer to four universities. It's very exciting. School is actually one of the reasons I had my surgery. I didn't want to have to go through at university what I went through at Hancock. The process went a bit like this:

1. See which classes I still need to take.
2. See which classrooms said classes are in.
3. Sign up for classes I know have desks that I comfortably fit in.
4. Scout out classrooms where I am unsure.

Pretty ridiculous right? It's understandable why I would want to avoid this. I'd like to be able to sign up for any class and not have to suffer through an uncomfortable semester. I had to do that twice at Hancock. Once was for Film 101, where I originally signed up for it because it was in a room that I knew I'd fit in, however it got moved to a room that sucked. The second class was Art 101, which was in the same classroom. That class had those seats with the desktops that swing up and then go in front of you, proving enough writing space only if you are in second grade. 

Now with the pounds coming off and finding myself at a size I haven't seen in almost ten years, I feel very hopeful for my future. I've always wanted to get my degrees but I've been afraid to transfer because of the seating issue and just because it would be someplace so far out of my comfort zone that I'd be nervous and a bit of a wreck all the time. Now the latter could just be me projecting my insecurities onto an unknown  situation, but was likely fairly accurate. 

Anyway, the schools I applied to are, in order of preference:

1. San Jose State University
2. Cal State Fullerton
3. Cal State Channel Islands
4. Cal State East Bay

SJSU and Fullerton are my top picks because they also have MA programs and ideally I'd like to do grad school where I get my bachelor's. I know I don't have to but I think having a rapport with the faculty can only help. East Bay also has a master's program however it's on the quarter system, whereas Channel Islands is semester with no graduate program. 

Now comes the waiting for the acceptance letters (or rejection). 

Non-Scale Victory (NSV)

I went and saw Guardians of the Galaxy today with my friend Vincent. I know, I know, better late than never I suppose. We were driving home and I had a bit of an epiphany.

See riding in Vincent's car used to be a bit like this:

In case you can't tell, I'm sitting with my hands resting on my stomach. I'm not the best artist, sorry. Anyway, now it's more like this:

Note that this is not proportional. I can still rest my hands on my stomach but it's now easier to rest them in my lap, I actually have to make an effort to keep them on my stomach. 

This was exciting.